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Is Summer Camp Worth the Cost?

Friday, May 3rd, 2013

The high cost of raising a child is indisputable, and my wife and I are somewhat in denial about how much we spend on our children’s extra-curricular activities. Sure, we know what it costs to sign up for hockey, and we know the fee for each tennis lesson. It is those incidentals and unexpected opportunities that are difficult to determine. And to be honest, my parental enjoyment of these activities might be diminished if I paid too much attention to these financial expenditures.

There is, however, no way to ignore summer camp costs. Furthermore, it does not matter if your child is going for a sleep-away experience or attending a local day program, tuition and expenses add up quickly. Parents should investigate a variety of options before pitching a tent because higher prices do not necessarily equate to a better experience.

The biggest factor that determines camp cost is that some are for-profit programs. These camps often offer specialized curriculums, professional instructors, premium facilities and unique off-campus excursions. Furthermore, many aim to not only provide a fun experience, but also to improve a particular skill. If you can afford these camps, and if you think your child will enjoy the experience, then this may be your best option.

There also are nonprofit programs, which are typically supported by an agency such as the YMCA or Scouts, and may or may not have a religious affiliation. Interestingly, about 75 percent of all overnight camps fall into this category. These programs cost less than their private counterparts but are just as capable of providing a ‘rich’ experience as their higher-priced competitors. Most also are geographically desirable, which allows your child to make new friends from the area.

Before making a decision about which camp is best, parents should engage in some pre-purchase research. Learn about the facility’s character, reputation, service and quality. Also ask your child what they would like to do. Just because you enjoyed canoeing and camping, it doesn’t mean that your daughter will have the same interest. Explore alternatives and collaboratively discuss what makes the most sense.

The decision is made, tuition is paid and the excitement is building. Unfortunately, there still are more costs to be incurred. Medical physicals, extra medications and completed doctor form fees can quickly add up. More expensive, however, are the trips to Dick’s Sporting Goods and REI for specialized gear and equipment. And then there is the price of travel and other unknown factors, which create further expenses.

If you feel like you need to take out a second mortgage to pay for your child’s summer time fun, you are not alone. Don’t despair. While camp itself does not typically provide any tax breaks, check with your accountant to determine deductions for related medical expenses or child care credits, especially for day camps. And to save money, inquire about discounts for referrals or sibling attendance. Also ask about volunteer opportunities as some programs provide price breaks in return for free labor.

Still cringing at the potential expense? Consider the huge personal value that camp offers to parents. Summer programs provide a safe, fun, and supervised environment: no need to worry about reliable babysitters and bored children spending mindless hours in front of a screen. Take advantage of a quieter house and enjoy a peaceful afternoon at home doing whatever you want!

Lastly, keep in mind that camp truly is an incredible investment with a great return. Kids learn independence and self-reliance as they become personally accountable for their own things. Camp also further develops a child’s interpersonal abilities as they navigate new relationships. But best of all, this personal development occurs while kids are having fun doing the things they enjoy.

Tags: Parenting Strategies, Parenting Tips
Posted in Blog, Summer Camp | No Comments »

When Your Child Should See a Therapist

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

My oldest child is 11 years old. And I believe that if you do something every day for 11 years, experience alone should make one proficient. However, parenting is more of an art than a science. What works one day may not work the next, and there are many factors that contribute to the ebb and flow of family functioning.

I have daily conversations with my wife about our kids. We continually strive to be appropriately involved without being overbearing. Our two boys seem truly happy, enjoy school and have engaging outside interests. Would it ever make sense to seek counseling when there are no apparent problems? And would seeing a therapist create an issue when one doesn’t exist?

The field of counseling is slowly changing. In past decades, only troubled individuals sought out mental health services. I have, however, noticed modern, well-functioning families are frequently reaching out for assistance to work through life’s regular challenges—study strategies, curfew conflicts, technology troubles and minor parent/child disagreements. These clients come with an agenda, set goals and collaboratively solve problems with their counselor.

For those families, therapy is a normal process like going to the doctor for an annual physical. They find no stigma with seeing a counselor and appreciate the professional perspective. Unfortunately, many parents feel conflicted about their child seeing a therapist and question the decision to do so. It truly can be worrisome to determine when additional assistance is needed.

Of course, there are obvious situations when a child needs therapeutic support. In some unfortunate instances, circumstances beyond a family’s control such as the death of a loved one, major illness or an unsettling life event causes undue stress. Other times, there are noticeable behavioral changes such as excessive crying, emotional withdrawal or inappropriate weight loss. And in some cases, a child’s teacher or family doctor highlights a concern that needs attention. Unfortunately, knowing when a child is struggling also can be very challenging.

Kids are constantly moving, growing and changing, making it difficult to determine the difference between normal developmental changes and truly turbulent times. Judging a child’s behavior in relation to their physical age is a great place to start. It is normal for a 5-year-old to constantly poke another child when they are supposed to be quiet, and it is normal for a teenager to have a major parental disagreement over a seemingly minor thing. When the frequency, intensity and/or the duration of the behavior seems disproportionate to the causing catalyst, it is time to seek professional help.

Regrettably, some parents avoid seeking a therapist because they worry that they may be the problem. In fact, the opposite is true: Seeking a counselor means you are an engaged and active individual trying to improve a life circumstance. Furthermore, a good therapist will view you as an ally toward healthier family functioning. If your ‘gut’ says help is needed, don’t let your own anxieties get in the way.

OK, you finally made the decision to take your child to a counselor. The nerves are setting in and you are worried that your daughter might refuse to attend. Start with an honest, age-appropriate conversation discussing why you want your child to participate. Emphasize it is important to you and simply request she attend a couple of sessions. When approached in this manner, most will go—not necessarily without complaining—but they will honor your feelings.

Therapy is about improving the self and one can’t argue with the desired outcome. While counseling can be long-term, it also can be only a few, as-needed sessions. Imagine having a trusted professional on your speed dial whose only agenda is to help you and your child. Develop a relationship with an understanding therapist. It is a great place to process not only major issues, but also life’s unusual challenges.

Tags: Parenting Tips
Posted in Blog, Parenting Strategies, Talking With Children | No Comments »

College Drinking

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

There is a difference between knowing that your teen is drinking alcohol at college and allowing your child to drink at home. Parents should never endorse alcohol use when their children are under the legal drinking age. In essence, when you say it is okay to use, you are also encouraging your son to break the law. Furthermore, if you allow drinking in your house, you are breaking the law and can be arrested for social hosting.

It is, however, reasonable to assume that your student is going to continue to engage in his social life, and parents should have a discussion about alcohol use. Choose a mutually agreeable time to engage in a conversation about summer expectations. Don’t ambush your teen, rather set a time and let him know you want to speak about drinking and your parental thoughts.

The most important rule is to make sure your college student knows it is never acceptable to drink and drive. Your child should understand that he can always call for a ride without parental judgment. Next, discuss summer work expectations. The best way to minimize alcohol use is to make sure your student has a busy summer schedule. This could include working, volunteering, or going to summer school. Lastly, discuss daily expectations including what time your teen should be home at night and what time he must rise in the morning.

Your son is maturing, and he should be open to discussing expectations. Listen to his perspective but also remember that you are the parent. Keep in mind that as the summer ends, the effects of excessive alcohol use can endure for many years. Lastly, if you feel your college student is drinking excessively, seek professional assistance.

Tags: Parenting Strategies, Parenting Tips
Posted in Blog, Parenting Strategies, Parenting Teens, Talking With Children, Videos | No Comments »

Moms with ADHD

Tuesday, March 5th, 2013

If you have a child with ADHD, there is a 60 percent chance that either you or your mate also has ADHD.

What is the difference between childhood ADHD and adult ADHD? Children with ADHD generally have problems paying attention or concentrating, can’t seem to follow directions and are easily frustrated with everyday tasks. Some will move constantly and act impulsively not stopping to think before they act. Adults with ADHD have some slightly different or additional symptoms which often include issues with time management, organizational skills, and goal setting.

Life is extra difficult when you’re a parent with ADHD. Being a mom, in general, is a hard job, whether you’re a stay-at-home parent or a busy professional trying to balance a career, kids and everything else. Yes, it is true that in recent years, men have been more hands-on with household and childcare responsibilities; the bulk of the work still, however, lands on the woman. Balancing a slew of commitments can get overwhelming for anyone, let alone a person with ADHD.

It can be difficult to identify adult ADHD because many women who have ADHD also have depression, anxiety or some other co-occurring condition often as a result of behaviors associated with their undiagnosed ADHD. You feel bad because you can’t focus or organize life. Further, when treating those other mood issues one does start to feel better, but the ADHD symptoms are still present.

ADHD must be addressed as a family issue when the mother has ADHD. Most mothers are so used to tending to the needs of others that they often overlook their own needs. It can be difficult for many women to admit that they can’t do it all. Accept your attention challenges and go with it.

Here are a few tips to manage your ADHD, but, in reality, they are good for any parent, not just attentionally challenged ones.

Create Structure –Structure is the key for calming the sensation of being overwhelmed. Without it, inertia can set in, leading to even more stress over time. When creating a structured schedule, record everything you need to do each day and make sure to block free time, too.
Take a Step Back – Reassess your situation and options. Can you switch your work schedule to better accommodate your life obligations? Do you need to hire some help…..a housekeeper, professional organizer, or baby sitter. Don’t think of this as a luxury; rather, as an accommodation so that you can manage your schedule without falling apart – which could really be expensive.
Set Limits – say ‘no’ to the things that are not a good use of your time, or things that do not make you happy. Saying no can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re a people-pleaser. Determine which activities provide energy and which drain you before agreeing to anything.
Revise Your Expectations - Avoid setting the bar too high by comparing yourself to others. Don’t expect your home to look like your neighbor’s or sister’s. Give yourself some slack. Create a happy environment not a perfect one.

Having ADHD doesn’t make you a bad mother! On the contrary, having ADHD gives you the ability to empathize with your children, come up with creative solutions for problems, and create a loving, nurturing and exciting home for you and your family. Learn to appreciate the gifts and minimize the weaknesses of ADHD.

Tags: ADHD, Mental Health
Posted in Blog, Mental Health, Videos | 1 Comment »

Do Grades Matter?

Thursday, February 28th, 2013

When I was in elementary school, I distinctly remember earning ‘letter’ grades. In fact, I also remember the occasional—OK, frequent—parental lecture that went along with my C-quality work. To mom and dad, my ‘average’ marks signified that I was “not working to my fullest potential.”

Things have really changed in modern-day education. My elementary age kids do not earn traditional grades; rather, their school uses a standards-based approach, which consists of telling students that their skills are emerging, satisfactory or exceeding expectations. Interestingly, educators have long debated the merits of a standards-based evaluation system versus the traditional letter-grade approach.

Most professionals tend to prefer the newer, modern-day methodology because evaluation is based on a clearly defined set of standards, as opposed to a more subjective teacher-generated letter grade. Further, it has been validated that younger kids are not motivated to study harder when given a letter grade; rather, they look for easier assignments so they can score a better mark.

Parents typically are frustrated when their children do not meet expectations, and this new standard of evaluation can be confusing. Some students score low marks because they are disorganized, have difficulty communicating their knowledge, and/or need additional assistance. Others, however, may be on the verge of a light-bulb moment and about to master the content. Don’t panic; instead, consult with the classroom teacher for additional insight and strategies that can assist with building your student’s educational development. Furthermore, parents should make sure they truly understand the grading system because most schools provide different marks for mastery, attitude and behavior.

To ensure the best possible performance, speak with your kids in an age-appropriate manner about academics. Interestingly, younger kids often are mystified about how grades are determined—sometimes assuming they are based on luck or magic. Parents should communicate that good grades are a result of hard work without focusing too much on the actual outcome. When excessive emphasis is placed on a final score, younger children often develop premature anxiety about school performance.

As students enter middle school, the grading system changes to a more traditional ‘letter’ system. Kids also start to understand the importance of doing well as they wonder about what it takes to be successful. However, some question if middle school marks matter because colleges will not see them. While that is true, grades still are important because they impact what classes a student takes in high school. Additionally, a large number of St. Louis students attend private preparatory schools and an academic record review is part of the admission process.

If a family has not done so, middle school is the time to instill proper motivation. Create a family culture that values hard work by celebrating good grades received on papers or projects, not just high scores on report cards. This doesn’t mean buying the latest video game or paying for As, instead bake a special dessert or go out to a fun family dinner, making the hard-earned grade a celebratory event. Emphasize that you are just as proud of the process as you are of the high mark.

In high school, academic measurement becomes even more confusing with GPAs, weighted grades and AP curriculums. Furthermore, your child may actually work very hard at a difficult subject only to receive a low mark. Examine effort and attitude before criticizing a performance. Have a conversation about why your student is struggling, and ask what can be done differently to improve the situation. Being supportive can build confidence and teach students to understand both when and how to seek assistance. That lesson often is more valuable than a high test grade.

Good grades can have a rewarding effect on any student. Earning a C in trigonometry; however, does not doom one to a life of underachievement and minimum wage. Yes, grades do provide valuable insight into a student’s proficiency, but keeping scores in perspective is the key to creating a child who is a lifelong learner. To earn high marks as a parent, teach your children to celebrate successes, understand failures, and work to the best of their ability.

Tags: Educational Success, Parenting Tips, School Issues
Posted in Blog, School Issues | No Comments »

Are Community Colleges the Future of Higher Ed?

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013

By Caroline Shannon-Karasik

“I would encourage the young as well as the old to find what excites them and study it.” -Dr. Russell Hyken

The verdict is in: Stereotypes of higher education past have dealt community colleges and vocational schools a bad hand.

And a Time magazine special report on higher education showed the general population (74 percent) strongly or somewhat agreed that there is just too much emphasis on attending a four-year college as opposed to community college or a vocational school.

So, what’s the deal then? These educational experts weigh-in and dish why there’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing a community college or vocational school for your next educational step after high school.

“Community colleges and/or vocational schools are better than elite universities.”

Surprisingly, this quote comes from Adrian McIntyre, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at the University of California, Berkeley. That’s right –– a public university.

So, why would McIntyre have a seemingly conflicting opinion?

“I have over 13 years experience in university teaching,” McIntyre said. “I’ve also lived and worked in over 30 countries as a journalist, educator, social science researcher, and humanitarian aid worker, so my perspective is rather unconventional.”

Here, he lists his top three reasons for attending a community college:

They tend to serve the broad public interest, rather than the narrow self-interest of a privileged intellectual elite. This means that classroom instruction and practical training is more focused on what’s working now in real-world situations, rather than on the esoteric interests of a career academic whose own reference group is almost exclusively comprised of other career academics.
They’re a good deal cheaper, in most cases, and provide a far greater emphasis on the acquisition of important work-related skills.
They provide an excellent environment for students who are unsure of their long-term commitments –– which is most of them, try out lots of things and fail at them. (People tend to forget that trial-and-error necessarily includes error!) In my experience, students are in too great a rush to “get somewhere” in life without having a clear sense of where they’re going.

“I like that the general population is seeing that too much emphasis is being placed on four-year college.”

Dr. Russell Hyken, author of The Parent Playbook, said the “problem” with four-year colleges being the expected next step after high school is that, while some students are fit for the environment, many are better off attending a community college or vocational school.

“The key to being happy is following your passion in life. If a student loves cars, then go to community college and become a certified mechanic; if a student loves animals, then go to vet tech school; if a student loves literature, then go study English at a four-year college,” Hyken said. “I would encourage the young as well as the old to find what excites them and study it. There are growth opportunities in just about every field. Find your passion, work hard, and life will be better than being stuck in a job that does not fit your interest.”

Hyken points out that regardless of what form of education a student chooses after high school, the key is choosing something.

“Community colleges are great places to explore different courses and figuring out where your passion and interests lie.”

Dr. Francisco C. Rodriguez, superintendent and president of MiraCosta Community College District, a comprehensive two-year community college in Oceanside, CA, said he often tells students, “it’s not where you start, it’s where you finish.”

“From a two-year community college, students can transfer to nearly any university in the nation,” Rodriguez said. “Here at MiraCosta College, we have a large number of students transfer to UCSD, UCLA, UC Berkeley, UC Santa Barbara and to private universities like Harvard, Duke and USC. The students who take this path are at a substantial advantage because of our smaller classes and emphasis on teaching excellence.”

Rodriguez said students also find two-year community colleges, like MiraCosta, advantageous because they are not only saving money, but learning skills that may not be taught in traditional four-year colleges. As a result, Rodriguez said they’ve seen a jump in enrollment as a result of students who are seeking education as trained workers.

“Most people would be better suited pursuing vocational training instead of attending a traditional college program.”

Chris Surprenant, Assistant Professor of Philosophy at the University of New Orleans, maintains that the focus in today’s society needs to be on “vocational training, and not so much on the type of school that someone is attending.”

“Advanced study of the sciences, arts, or humanities is not suited for everyone. But everyone needs to get a job, and to get a job you need useful skills,” he said. “To the extent that vocational training will develop these skills, the vast majority of people should be pursuing some form of vocational training beyond high school.”

“Not everybody has to follow the same path to find career satisfaction and a good source of income.”

Dr. Brian Mauro, the associate provost of Fairleigh Dickinson University’s College at Florham in Madison, NJ, said that regardless of what path a student chooses, it’s important he or she considers whether the time, energy and expenses will provide career earning potential and career satisfaction.

“Each individual must choose his or her own educational path,” Mauro said. “He or she must determine which educational experience will provide the quality experiences he or she is looking for as well as the support to help him or her succeed.

Mauro said benefits of attending a traditional four-year college, such as FDU, include more job opportunities because the “unemployment rate is significantly lower for people with a college degree.”

“Community colleges offer locality.”

Dr. Kelli DuCloux offered a unique perspective on the subject when explaining the reasons she sent her 13-year-old son to Riverside Community College District in Perris, CA, after realizing his academic advancement.

“The community college setting offered a more conducive arena that could bridge that gap from the rigors of a major university setting with all its nuances, while still providing some academic challenge beyond that of traditional school for a 13-year-old child,” she explained.

DuCloux said she was also drawn to the fact that the local community college was close to home.

“Our local community college has three colleges in our vicinity,” she said. “He has taken classes onsite at a satellite location as well as online classes with instructors based at the main campus. Both sites are within 15 miles of our home.”

“Today’s community college students are looking for more than simply value.”

Jon Frank, founder and CEO of Admissionado, pointed out that, while budget concerns might have been the original reason students were choosing community colleges or vocational schools “today, reduced cost is just part of the picture.”

Frank referenced a study from Sallie Mae that reported 22 percent of college students with a family income of over $100,000 opted for a community college last year. Four years ago, it was at 16 percent.

“The bottom line is this: the image of the older student returning to community college to take a few certificate classes is changing,” Frank said. “Across the U.S., 46 percent of community college students are younger than 21, according to a 2007 report from the American Association of Community Colleges, up from 42.5 percent in 2003. These younger and often more affluent students also expect a rich on-campus community, complete with extra-curricular activities, upgraded campus facilities, perhaps even the ability to earn credits through summer travel experiences. To meet this demand, today’s community colleges are cultivating ‘the complete college experience.’”

“Students should pursue the degree program that is the best fit for their needs and aspirations.”

Ultimately, said Meredith Principe, vice president of operations and college counseling at CampusBound.com, the driving factor behind any choice to attend an institution of higher learning should be the student’s goals for his or her career path.

“The pressure to attend college directly after high school, as opposed to taking time off to work, explore careers, volunteer, or travel, causes some students to enter college without putting serious thought into what career path will be best for them,” she said. “As a result, some students end up in a four-year curriculum before determining whether or not they need a four-year degree.”

Quick Tips:

Adequately research all higher learning opportunities to discover the school that will offer the best training for your future career.
Don’t let traditional standards interfere with your goals for school.
Keep in mind that a community college or vocational school can be used as a stepping stone toward eventually earning a four-year degree.

Tags: ACT Advice, Public vs Private School, School Issues
Posted in Blog, School Issues | No Comments »

Public Violence

Tuesday, December 18th, 2012

With the recent amount of tragic events, children are being exposed to public violence. Dr. Hyken was on Fox2Now discussing how to talk to your children about these events.

Ladue News gathered a group of professional counselors who shared their advice for families undergoing trauma and tragedy in their lives.

Dr. Russell Hyken, psychotherapist/education diagnostician, Educational & Psychotherapy Services

First, ask your son or daughter what they have heard about the event. If the children do have those gory details, then change the direction of conversation and focus on the good people supporting the teachers and parents.
Reassure children that their school is safe and tell them of the school’s protocols. “That’s what children want to hear—that they will be safe.”
When young children do voice their concerns and worries, acknowledge their feelings. Then, re-direct their energy and do something fun.
It is important to build time into your week to spend time with your children. “It doesn’t have to be serious conversations; but by having that time, children will feel comfortable talking with you in the future when serious or troubling issues occur in their lives.”

Rekha Ramanuja, child and adolescent psychologist, Clayton Behavioral and Epworth’s Residential Treatment Program

Talk to friends, family, or a specialist. If you are a grieving parent, then you need an outlet quickly.
If the child is actually a witness or survivor to a traumatic event, then there is no simple way to deal with everything your child is experiencing. “But start by letting your children know that you love them and are going to support them.”
If the child is afraid, “Be patient and let the child know this feeling will not be the same forever. Just let them know you’re available to talk.”
It is OK to say, “I don’t know the answer, but we’ll find it together.”
Children and teenagers display signs of stress differently. Some talk a lot, ask numerous questions, have stomachaches or headaches, or become preoccupied with the issue.
Older children may display changes in personality or in their habits. Parents can start begin a conversation by saying, “I noticed that you’re not yourself. Is it the shooting (or other traumatic event)? It’s OK, because it has affected me, too.”
If you are asking too many questions, then back off; let your child sort out their thoughts and come to you.

Tags: Connecting With Teens, Parenting Strategies, Parenting Teens, Parenting Tips, Public Violence
Posted in Blog, Parenting Strategies, Talking With Children, Videos | No Comments »

Kids and Lying

Tuesday, December 11th, 2012

My kids have never lied to me – never! After all, I am a family therapist who knows how to raise truthful children. If I believe that, then my kids are not only telling tall tales, but also getting away with it. In fact, if your child has not fibbed, that may be more concerning than the lie itself. Telling falsities is an important part of one’s emotional growth, and it is not a bad thing, depending on the age of the child.

Fibbing for the toddler set is a sign of a fast-developing brain, an emerging quick wit, and a benchmark of future life success. In other words, children who tell ‘good’ lies typically are smart kids because lying takes a lot of brain power. In fact, creating untruths is a complex process requiring a young mind to not only merge multiple ideas but also manipulate that information to one’s own advantage. Parents should not be alarmed; rather, they should consider creative story-telling an opportunity to have a teachable moment.

Preschoolers have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. In most situations, it probably makes sense to let your child’s imagination run wild, but a ‘cover-up’ story to avoid trouble should be discussed. Respect your youngster’s creative abilities, but comment that lying is unacceptable. Don’t express anger; rather, encourage truth.

As children enter the elementary years, lying does not stop; it just changes. Kids begin to develop a moral compass and understand the concept of polite social lying. Most appreciate that it is better to tell grandma that they love the ugly holiday sweater than hurt her feelings. Children, however, still occasionally bend the truth mostly to avoid punishment or doing something unpleasant like emptying the trash. Now, however, it is time to have an age-appropriate consequence because your intelligent offspring knows they have done something wrong.

Teenagers typically lie to avoid consequences, protect their friends, or do something their parents forbid. In these situations, it is best to have a predetermined consequence that is short, immediate and painful, which will help to avoid an overblown parent/child argument. But also make sure to ask your teen what she was thinking as that question can provide needed insight into her adolescent mind.

No matter the age of your child, maintain your cool when dealing with mistruths, tall tales and blatant falsities. Parents should attempt to calmly discuss rather than interrogate. It also is important to appreciate your child’s honesty when they do finally admit to the lie. Avoid calling your child a liar, as this just leads to hurt feelings and more arguing. It is acceptable to express disappointment, but avoid criticizing. Your ultimate parental goal is to intrinsically motivate your child to make good decisions.

And truth be told, it is probably not your child’s fault he occasionally tells untruths. Kids learn from their environment, picking up both the best and worst traits of the adults around them. Most adults tell the occasional ‘white’ lie or omit the truth. Try to avoid this natural tendency when you are around your kids. While you may want to save money at the movies or while dining in a restaurant, misrepresenting your child’s age teaches that lying is acceptable.

If you notice your child habitually or compulsively lying, it may be time to seek professional assistance. Telling consistent untruths often is a defense mechanism young people use to avoid difficult problems. An infrequent isolated incident, however, is not a cause for parental alarm. In fact, it may be a sign that you gave birth to a highly creative, intelligent child; at least, that is what I tell myself on that rare occasion I catch my child stretching the truth.

Tags: Lying
Posted in Blog, Lying and Kids, Parenting Strategies, Teen Behavior | No Comments »

Staying Focused During the Holidays

Friday, November 30th, 2012

It is beginning to look a lot like the holidays: Streets are filled with decorations, Christmas specials are on TV, and kids fantasize about snowy days and new video games. This ‘most wonderful’ time of the year, however, also is a most distracting and stressful time of the year, especially if you are a kid.

School does not slow down during the holidays; rather, it speeds up. Final exams are taken, long-term projects are due, and essential last-minute tasks are assigned as the semester comes to an end. There also are big games and special events to attend. Combine an increased work load along with many distracting festivities, and it can be difficult for anyone to stay focused.

Parents should take advantage of the hectic holiday season to perpetuate a good habit or start a new family tradition: talking to your kids about school. It can be complicated coordinating multiple schedules for a serious discussion, but that is the point. When times get too busy, families need to focus on life, relationships and academics.

Learning to study is an evolutionary process that continually needs adjustment. Have a conversation with your student discussing what homework habits work best, as well as potential problem areas. Kids should be encouraged to learn from their mistakes, make changes as necessary and celebrate successes. Being a supportive parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, but it may take many years before your offspring truly appreciates your parenting style.

In general, most students struggle to balance school and outside extracurriculars. The holidays, however, provide additional opportunities for students to go astray. A key to staying on task is to avoid being overwhelmed. With parental assistance, kids should set a schedule at the start of each week, designating times to study and times to enjoy the festivities.

Additionally, unforeseen activities often pop up during busy times, and kids may waste energy because they are not in the correct state of mind to attack their academics. Regular weekday check-ins can assist students with making appropriate adjustments and, at the same time, provide additional support. A gentle parental push to work efficiently encourages students to prioritize work and strike a better balance between school and holiday fun.

The proper ambiance also is particularly important during this season of distraction. The study area should be stocked with pens, pencils, paper and other essential aids such as healthy snacks and beverages. Sitting at a desk in a well-lit room also is more conducive to learning than lounging on a comfortable couch. Light background music can assist with focus, but upbeat holiday songs should be avoided until homework is complete.

Parents, too, can bolster academic productivity by joining the study-time fun. Sit at the desk alongside your student and bring your work to the table. This not only models good habits but also provides a unique bond as families unite to do work before engaging in play. Additionally, your student will also be less likely to text, Facebook or Skype with a parent in the room.

Finals are finished, school is over, and it is time to take a breather. An essential way to recharge and re-motivate is to enjoy the holidays and focus on the family. Shift away from the daily stresses of school and work to create a new family tradition. Get everyone together to bake holiday cookies, prepare a special breakfast, or take a trip to the ice rink. Special times create lifelong memories that outlast the temporary enjoyment provided by expensive or trendy gifts. Yes, kids want presents, but they also want to be part of a family.

Life is always hectic. The holidays can, however, allow families to temporarily leave behind the daily grind and spend time focusing on each other. The food is great, the atmosphere is special, and relaxation is encouraged—it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Happy holidays!

Tags: Anxiety, Parenting Strategies, Parenting Tips, Stress
Posted in Blog, Parenting Teens, School Issues, Teen Behavior | No Comments »

Bullying Knows No Age

Friday, October 26th, 2012

Today’s bullies are much more sophisticated than the troublemakers of my youth. Victims, these days, don’t typically have a black eye or bloody nose; rather, they arrive home with internal scars that are unnoticeable to their parents and more emotionally damaging than a punch to the stomach.

One thing that has not changed over the years is the definition: Bullying is unwanted or aggressive acts among individuals of all ages that involve a real or perceived power imbalance. These acts are continually repeated over time and may range from physical harassment to complicated emotional abuse such as exclusionary tactics and rumor-spreading.

Unfortunately, thousands of children wake up every morning afraid to go to school because they fear their peers, and it is a problem that affects kids from kindergarten through senior year and beyond. Interestingly, some children–especially younger ones–often are unaware that they are hurting others, but older adolescents will employ intentional tactics aimed at devastating their targets.

As kids enter into kindergarten, they begin to understand social norms and rules but have difficulty grasping expectations. Playground cliques emerge as some kids enjoy sports, others play house, and many climb on the jungle gym. When an unwanted peer tries to join the fun, a popular member may belittle the unknowing child to the amusement of his friends. Enjoying this new-found attention, the group leader becomes a playground bully.

While it is true that the elementary years are a time of innocence for most, it also is the period where many begin to notice that others are different. Children begin to tease their classmates because of height, weight, interests, learning issues, clothes, hair color and other unimaginably unique qualities. Sadly, frequent teasing often leads to more than just tears as even first-graders can become anxious and depressed.

When kids enter middle school, bullying becomes more common and more vicious. Peer pressure, pack mentality and an undeveloped moral compass can foster unrelenting meanness toward others. Some even become overly aggressive to establish their social status. Furthermore, it can be developmentally difficult for a tween to understand that he has ‘crossed the line,’ resulting in some viciously persistent harassment. Victims become isolated, and it also is common for the abused to physically fight back.

The middle-school mentality still exists in high school, but teen bullies often engage in a much wider spectrum of abuse. Furthermore, different sexes use different strategies: Boys typically are more direct (physically and verbally), while girls are more indirect, often engaging in relational abuse such as crowding an unwanted individual out of a lunch spot. Technology also enters the picture and cyber-bullying provides the opportunity for 24/7 attacks. Unfortunately, older adolescents are less likely to report acts of aggression and more likely to suffer serious mental health concerns.

No matter the age, persistently bullied children suffer long-lasting biological effects as structural changes occur in the brain as a result of the emotional damage. Bullied children produce more stress hormones, which creates a constant awareness and sensitivity to potentially stressful situations. For this reason, students spend more time scanning the environment for threats, making it difficult to concentrate, learn and relax. Furthermore, many victims don’t properly develop the needed emotional and cognitive abilities to lead successful lives because they are continually worrying and protecting themselves from others.

If you feel your child is the victim of continual harassment, take appropriate action. Call or email your child’s homeroom teacher or principal, and objectively report your concerns. Find a therapist who has school experience. And, most important, involve your child in a new activity that introduces him to other kids with similar interests.

At some point during the educational years, most students will be victimized. A recent American Justice Department study indicated that 77 percent of all students have been bullied, and 15 percent of those kids reported that they were treated severely and suffered long-lasting effects. To ensure that your children stay safe, stay involved in their lives. Continually connect with your kids so they feel comfortable speaking to you about any topic.

Tags: Bullying, Social Aggression
Posted in Blog, Mental Health, School Issues | 1 Comment »

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