Russell Hyken, Ph.D. 
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The start of summer is time of unlimited possibilities for most kids. But as the excitement of being free from academic structure morphs into the dull days of summer, kids often become bored and many parents become frustrated. Arguments escalate as parents tell their children to just ‘do something!’ The problem is that today’s youth don’t really understand how to enjoy their free time.
My wife and I are parents with tweens. As our kids straddle the line between independence and dependence, our child care needs have changed. Now, it is about efficiently maximizing our baby-sitter usage, which includes driving assistance, house management and Saturday night parental respites. When our boys were babies, however, our child care concerns were focused on social interactions, developmentally appropriate challenges and safety. Different life stages require different levels of care.
I remember many serious conversations both prior to and after our children were born about what type of daycare best met our needs. There truly is a plethora of opportunities, including day-care centers, licensed family-care facilities, in-home daytime assistance and nannies who never leave. At some point, most every child is taken care of by someone other than a parent. Knowing your options is the first step to making the best decision for your family.
For out-of-home assistance, there are a variety of choices. Child-care centers offer the biggest range of services, including longer hours, developmental programming, and government regulations that ensure a certain level of competency and cleanliness. When both parents work, these centers provide reliable supervision, and they also are a hub of social activity as both kids and parents interact with each other.
Another ‘drop-off’ option is a licensed family day-care center. These are smaller, lower-priced alternatives typically found within one’s own neighborhood. Located in a personal home, these caregivers offer consistent staffing and individualized attention to a small number of children. Family day cares are less expensive than their larger child-center counterparts, but they also don’t offer as many services.
Some families prefer to keep their children at home and hire independent individuals. These helpers can be scheduled to meet the hours and needs of a busy family, including around-the-clock, 24/7 assistance. It can, however, be difficult to find a good employee, so check with friends or contract with an agency. While there are fees associated with the latter option, the benefit of finding prescreened, prequalified workers can be worth the cost. No matter who you hire, a proper background check is a must!
As kids enter the elementary school years, childcare needs significantly shift. Parents no longer need full-time assistance, and a school’s after-care program may be the perfect fit. Some schools offer a variety of opportunities, including homework clubs, specific activities and organized sports. Before committing to a program, however, make sure it is a good fit. A child who needs to burn off late-day energy may not like doing an after-school art project.
And just like daycare, many families prefer children to be at home when the day is done. If that is your situation, consider employing a high school or college student. This can actually be a better alternative than an available relative because you are the boss. Hired help are more likely to execute your directions and follow family rules because it is their job to do so. Furthermore, these young adults often have the energy needed to keep up with tireless children, as well as the academic knowledge to assist with fifth-grade math, which can be really, really difficult.
Before making the final decision, do your due diligence. Unless your child is an infant, introduce him to the facility and to the provider before making a commitment. Look for signs that your child is able to easily relate to the caregiver and that you feel comfortable. Also, consider if your parenting style meshes with the philosophy of the individual in charge. Lastly, check your gut. If something does not feel right—move on!
Child care should be comfortable for the parent, as well as beneficial for the child. However, if you look for that perfect program or sitter, you may never be fully satisfied. Focus on safety, cleanliness, and the possibility that your child will really enjoy his time, no matter what setting you choose. Trust that you have made a good decision, but also make the occasional unannounced visit to ensure things are satisfactory.
The high cost of raising a child is indisputable, and my wife and I are somewhat in denial about how much we spend on our children’s extra-curricular activities. Sure, we know what it costs to sign up for hockey, and we know the fee for each tennis lesson. It is those incidentals and unexpected opportunities that are difficult to determine. And to be honest, my parental enjoyment of these activities might be diminished if I paid too much attention to these financial expenditures.
There is, however, no way to ignore summer camp costs. Furthermore, it does not matter if your child is going for a sleep-away experience or attending a local day program, tuition and expenses add up quickly. Parents should investigate a variety of options before pitching a tent because higher prices do not necessarily equate to a better experience.
The biggest factor that determines camp cost is that some are for-profit programs. These camps often offer specialized curriculums, professional instructors, premium facilities and unique off-campus excursions. Furthermore, many aim to not only provide a fun experience, but also to improve a particular skill. If you can afford these camps, and if you think your child will enjoy the experience, then this may be your best option.
There also are nonprofit programs, which are typically supported by an agency such as the YMCA or Scouts, and may or may not have a religious affiliation. Interestingly, about 75 percent of all overnight camps fall into this category. These programs cost less than their private counterparts but are just as capable of providing a ‘rich’ experience as their higher-priced competitors. Most also are geographically desirable, which allows your child to make new friends from the area.
Before making a decision about which camp is best, parents should engage in some pre-purchase research. Learn about the facility’s character, reputation, service and quality. Also ask your child what they would like to do. Just because you enjoyed canoeing and camping, it doesn’t mean that your daughter will have the same interest. Explore alternatives and collaboratively discuss what makes the most sense.
The decision is made, tuition is paid and the excitement is building. Unfortunately, there still are more costs to be incurred. Medical physicals, extra medications and completed doctor form fees can quickly add up. More expensive, however, are the trips to Dick’s Sporting Goods and REI for specialized gear and equipment. And then there is the price of travel and other unknown factors, which create further expenses.
If you feel like you need to take out a second mortgage to pay for your child’s summer time fun, you are not alone. Don’t despair. While camp itself does not typically provide any tax breaks, check with your accountant to determine deductions for related medical expenses or child care credits, especially for day camps. And to save money, inquire about discounts for referrals or sibling attendance. Also ask about volunteer opportunities as some programs provide price breaks in return for free labor.
Still cringing at the potential expense? Consider the huge personal value that camp offers to parents. Summer programs provide a safe, fun, and supervised environment: no need to worry about reliable babysitters and bored children spending mindless hours in front of a screen. Take advantage of a quieter house and enjoy a peaceful afternoon at home doing whatever you want!
Lastly, keep in mind that camp truly is an incredible investment with a great return. Kids learn independence and self-reliance as they become personally accountable for their own things. Camp also further develops a child’s interpersonal abilities as they navigate new relationships. But best of all, this personal development occurs while kids are having fun doing the things they enjoy.
There is a difference between knowing that your teen is drinking alcohol at college and allowing your child to drink at home. Parents should never endorse alcohol use when their children are under the legal drinking age. In essence, when you say it is okay to use, you are also encouraging your son to break the law. Furthermore, if you allow drinking in your house, you are breaking the law and can be arrested for social hosting.
It is, however, reasonable to assume that your student is going to continue to engage in his social life, and parents should have a discussion about alcohol use. Choose a mutually agreeable time to engage in a conversation about summer expectations. Don’t ambush your teen, rather set a time and let him know you want to speak about drinking and your parental thoughts.
The most important rule is to make sure your college student knows it is never acceptable to drink and drive. Your child should understand that he can always call for a ride without parental judgment. Next, discuss summer work expectations. The best way to minimize alcohol use is to make sure your student has a busy summer schedule. This could include working, volunteering, or going to summer school. Lastly, discuss daily expectations including what time your teen should be home at night and what time he must rise in the morning.
Your son is maturing, and he should be open to discussing expectations. Listen to his perspective but also remember that you are the parent. Keep in mind that as the summer ends, the effects of excessive alcohol use can endure for many years. Lastly, if you feel your college student is drinking excessively, seek professional assistance.
The headline for this column sounds like a dreadful (or possibly entertaining) reality television show. Unfortunately, it is something that every parent has experienced. In fact, many may say that you have not earned your parenting stripes until you have suffered the pain of a problematic play date.
In the days of my youth, I remember a classmate would phone, our parents quickly worked out the details, and I was dropped-off shortly thereafter. Today, however, many parents frequently find that they must navigate a complex social situation that consists of courting not only an unknown child, but also his mom or dad. In fact, just securing a social activity for your young offspring can cause significant parental stress.
Most outings truly do go well, but your initial interaction with the prospective pal’s parent may be an indication of what to expect. Some moms may view you as a babysitter, while others believe an invitation for their child also is an invite for them. And there are those who will disregard drop-off/pick-up times, or call at the last minute to see if junior can come over to play. Be politely firm with your expectations and ponder if future playdates with these families are worth the trouble.
A parent should avoid choosing friends; rather, mom should consult with her maturing child, asking whom he would like to have to the house. Request multiple names and mix up the initial invites, promoting a variety of playmates versus a particular pairing. Exposing your child to multiple personalities will require that your son uses different social skills as well as provide the opportunity to develop multiple friendships.
Finally, plans are set and the big day is here, and parents need to set the stage for a fun afternoon. Start by ‘cleaning’ the house and packing away special toys that your son or daughter—no matter what their age—may not want a friend to use. It is much easier to hide the new Lego Star Wars set, than it is to tell a guest that a particular toy is off-limits. Also, remove any valuables and/or breakables that may worry you. The best way to avoid an incident is to take proactive steps of prevention.
A child needs guidance on how to be a good host. Discuss sharing and etiquette so that conflict over turn-taking can be avoided. Parents also should teach that planning is an essential part of successful socializing. A combination of specific activities, along with some unstructured time, will help kids balance their desire to play video games with your hope that they engage in some old-school, outside fun.
It can be difficult to avoid hovering during those initial gatherings, but a parental presence can create a situation where the kids are interacting with you instead of each other. If you do overhear a disagreement, mediate by guiding to resolution rather than fixing the problem. In the rare instance that either child truly oversteps the boundaries of acceptable behavior, it is OK to end the playdate, explaining to the other parent what has occurred.
Lastly, process the playdate with your child. Did he enjoy it, was his friend easy to engage, or did his guest do something that made him feel uncomfortable? The goal of the conversation is to listen to your child’s concerns, provide strategies for social problem-solving, and discuss how to be good a friend. Plus, there is the added benefit of promoting an open dialogue for any future concerns.
For better or worse, being a modern-day parent means you must initiate activities if you want your child to have any type of social life. The days of neighborhood kids freely roaming the streets have been replaced by supervised gatherings. Yes, bad play dates do happen even to good kids. Fortunately, once a child understands the art of entertaining, not only do kids have fun; but, more important, parents get a break.
A new University of Missouri research study shows that sibling conflict can lead to depression and anxiety. Now, this research is not saying the occasional argument or disagreement is a problem; rather, this study is highlighting that on-going, persistent fighting can have long lasting effects on an individual’s mental health.
It is also worth noting that conflict is different from sibling rivalry. Rivalry is about “one upping” the other sibling, which in some cases can actually be a positive motivating factor. Healthy competition can push kids to be better.
There are two main types of conflict that can have long lasting emotional impact. The effects can last into adolescence and adulthood.
Common sense tells us that continual conflict is detrimental; this study reports findings that most of us already know. The real implication or benefit of the research is studying how we should respond to these types of sibling disputes. It is a parent’s natural instinct to want to be the arbitrator of the argument. This is the wrong way to solve these dilemmas.
Tips to assist with avoiding conflict
The bottom line here is to pay attention to your kids. Rivalry, conflict, jealousy, etc. are part of normal family life. Your parental job is to help your children to manage their feelings and learn how to function. Send the message that we are family and we help each other. If the problem becomes too much to handle and the conflicts become overly intense, seek professional help to avoid long term consequences. Home should always be a safe place to work things out.
With the recent amount of tragic events, children are being exposed to public violence. Dr. Hyken was on Fox2Now discussing how to talk to your children about these events.
Ladue News gathered a group of professional counselors who shared their advice for families undergoing trauma and tragedy in their lives.
Dr. Russell Hyken, psychotherapist/education diagnostician, Educational & Psychotherapy Services
Rekha Ramanuja, child and adolescent psychologist, Clayton Behavioral and Epworth’s Residential Treatment Program
It is beginning to look a lot like the holidays: Streets are filled with decorations, Christmas specials are on TV, and kids fantasize about snowy days and new video games. This ‘most wonderful’ time of the year, however, also is a most distracting and stressful time of the year, especially if you are a kid.
School does not slow down during the holidays; rather, it speeds up. Final exams are taken, long-term projects are due, and essential last-minute tasks are assigned as the semester comes to an end. There also are big games and special events to attend. Combine an increased work load along with many distracting festivities, and it can be difficult for anyone to stay focused.
Parents should take advantage of the hectic holiday season to perpetuate a good habit or start a new family tradition: talking to your kids about school. It can be complicated coordinating multiple schedules for a serious discussion, but that is the point. When times get too busy, families need to focus on life, relationships and academics.
Learning to study is an evolutionary process that continually needs adjustment. Have a conversation with your student discussing what homework habits work best, as well as potential problem areas. Kids should be encouraged to learn from their mistakes, make changes as necessary and celebrate successes. Being a supportive parent is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child, but it may take many years before your offspring truly appreciates your parenting style.
In general, most students struggle to balance school and outside extracurriculars. The holidays, however, provide additional opportunities for students to go astray. A key to staying on task is to avoid being overwhelmed. With parental assistance, kids should set a schedule at the start of each week, designating times to study and times to enjoy the festivities.
Additionally, unforeseen activities often pop up during busy times, and kids may waste energy because they are not in the correct state of mind to attack their academics. Regular weekday check-ins can assist students with making appropriate adjustments and, at the same time, provide additional support. A gentle parental push to work efficiently encourages students to prioritize work and strike a better balance between school and holiday fun.
The proper ambiance also is particularly important during this season of distraction. The study area should be stocked with pens, pencils, paper and other essential aids such as healthy snacks and beverages. Sitting at a desk in a well-lit room also is more conducive to learning than lounging on a comfortable couch. Light background music can assist with focus, but upbeat holiday songs should be avoided until homework is complete.
Parents, too, can bolster academic productivity by joining the study-time fun. Sit at the desk alongside your student and bring your work to the table. This not only models good habits but also provides a unique bond as families unite to do work before engaging in play. Additionally, your student will also be less likely to text, Facebook or Skype with a parent in the room.
Finals are finished, school is over, and it is time to take a breather. An essential way to recharge and re-motivate is to enjoy the holidays and focus on the family. Shift away from the daily stresses of school and work to create a new family tradition. Get everyone together to bake holiday cookies, prepare a special breakfast, or take a trip to the ice rink. Special times create lifelong memories that outlast the temporary enjoyment provided by expensive or trendy gifts. Yes, kids want presents, but they also want to be part of a family.
Life is always hectic. The holidays can, however, allow families to temporarily leave behind the daily grind and spend time focusing on each other. The food is great, the atmosphere is special, and relaxation is encouraged—it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Happy holidays!
Most back to school articles tend to talk about preparing kids for the first days of school, and this is an important, attention worthy topic. I, however, want to focus on us, the parents, and how we deal with the freedom that September brings. While many are excited to reclaim their homes and their free time, some actually dread the start of school and experience significant stress about their child’s academic success, social circles, and self esteem.
Parents, just like their children, can experience anxiety as summer vacation ends. Furthermore, an anxious adult can negatively impact their child’s mood as kids have an intuitive sense about their parents’ emotional state. If we don’t keep our feelings under control, our kids may mirror our behavior.
The pangs of separation often impact parents as they overly worry about how their children are adjusting to the start of school. In fact, some mothers drop by the classroom and send teacher emails to alleviate their concerns. Others overcome their anxiety by delving into household projects or other “productive” tasks. These short-term fixes, however, may not relieve those anxious feelings, so try to engage in some endorphin boosting activities such as running or scheduling extra time at the gym.
Many parents also rightfully fear that the initial separation associated with the first day of school will be overly emotional for themselves and their children. Visions of a crying child often loop through a concerned mother’s mind especially because this could actually happen. Emotional or not, parents need to exit school quickly after the initial drop off. In fact, a parental presence typically prolongs the stressful situation. While it is painful to see a panicked child, parents need to keep a stiff upper lip and move on. Teachers are well equipped to handle these opening day meltdowns.
Another big stressor is being unprepared for the start of the new school year. Many women focus on getting kids ready with back to school shopping, visiting the appropriate doctors, and attending to last minute details. It is just as important, however, to review school paperwork which contains valuable information about your child’s teachers, room number, and needed school supplies. Also, pay attention to adjusted hours that often accompany the first few days of school. This will ensure the first week goes smoothly reducing not only your anxiety but also creating a positive experience for your kids.
The start of school has also been known to create moody, cranky children causing many parents to be overly apprehensive about the first few weeks. These elevated emotions are the result of newly imposed structure. Students spend all summer waking when they want and lounging about the house. Overnight, they must get up early and eat at scheduled times. A week before the opening bell, structure the day like school is in session. Adjusting the internal body clock prior to the big day puts everyone in a better mood.
Also, don’t forget to talk to your kids about opening day jitters. Parents should not only reassure but also problem solve. Show empathy, work on real solutions to their valid concerns, and avoid dwelling too much on the situation. Parents can create bigger issues if they over focus on a child’s problems. Once you realize that your student is well prepared, your parental anxieties will be significantly reduced.
Lastly, to further alleviate any anxious parental feelings, email your child’s teacher. Professionals are happy to provide feedback about school progress. In fact, be specific about your concerns to receive relevant information about your situation. Teachers appreciate the inquires, and this will further insure that both you and your child have a stress free start.
The beginning of the school year is a period of adjustment for all family members. A good start, however, will benefit a student’s attitude, confidence, and performance long after the opening bell has rung. Even if things get a bit shaky, parents need to maintain a positive attitude. Time will resolve most issues, and kids are actually more resilient than their parents realize.
Most parents know that good communication is the key to a healthy relationship with their children. What’s equally important to know is what constitutes poor communication — the words and phrases that can undermine self-esteem and trigger power struggles in the family. In a recent segment on KTVI-TV in St. Louis, Dr. Hyken discusses five phrases parents should avoid when speaking to their children.
