Tag Archives: Parenting Teens

  • 0

Conversations about College

Tags : 

I started talking to my kids about their college education about a week after they were born. OK, that is a bit of exaggeration, but it is not too far from the truth. Education is important to any new parent, and I spent my 30s having children and pursuing graduate studies. During that decade of my life, my own education and my children’s future consumed my thoughts.

 

Parents have a huge influence on their kids, and children will adopt family ideals if Mom and Dad share their beliefs. Therefore, I recommend that college conversations begin when the little one enters pre-school. The purpose of these higher education dialogues, however, should not be about where to attend; rather, parents should share their college experiences, talk about the importance of education, and explain how some careers—such as being a doctor or a teacher—require many years of school. Setting the stage for lifelong learning begins in the early years.

Serious conversations about attending college should start during seventh and eighth grade. In fact, it is best to prepare for life after high school before the first high-school bell rings. Talk with your eager adolescent about choosing college preparatory classes, participating in community service and developing personal talents. With the right encouragement, a child could easily develop a passion that guides him to future educational and life goals.

In ninth grade, the college indoctrination process truly begins. Students take standardized tests, complete interest inventories, and participate in initial meetings with their guidance counselor. These exploratory steps pave the way to junior year when students and families should become motivated about researching their options.

There are more than 9,000 colleges and universities, and even the most organized student will benefit from parental assistance. Don’t, however, be the over-involved ‘helicopter’ mom who hovers over every move or the ‘talent-scout’ dad who tries to brand their teenager and broker the best deal. It’s more important to ask your maturing child the right questions, listen, and be supportive.

Size truly matters. More relationally-oriented individuals tend to prefer the intimate classroom environment of a smaller campus. These schools are more person-centered and offer better opportunities to interact with professors. On the other hand, seniors looking to break out of the high-school fish bowl or wanting to stay under the radar should consider big school opportunities. Larger institutions also offer a wider range of classes, a variety of housing options, and big-time sports.

Location is the next topic to tackle. A school’s setting can have a significant impact on the college experience. Some may want to be close to home, but others may prefer to be on a mountain, near a beach, or in a major metropolis. College is both an education and a journey; it is a great time to push beyond one’s comfort zone and live in your dream location. And no matter where the school is, a student can always pack their books and transfer credits to a new university if things don’t work out.

Some may allow their course of study to drive their college search. This is an important consideration, but the majority of college students switch degree programs multiple times prior to graduation. Also, most college-bound high school seniors don’t have enough experience or information to be absolutely positive about what they want to study. It is important a university has the proposed area of interest, but attending the most prestigious program will not ensure success or happiness.

Watching your child mature and make major decisions can be challenging for any parent. College is a huge step toward adult independence, and it can be difficult for mom or dad to recognize the line between interference and support. Trust you have a raised an intelligent individual who makes good decisions and celebrate this exciting life transition.


  • 0

No Mixed Messages

Tags : 

A father makes a comment about a celebrity looking too plump in her evening gown. A mom remarks that she feels fat after eating a big meal. An older sister makes a funny observation about somebody in her class who is a ‘giant.’ While these are meant to be harmless comments, children personalize these statements and can develop a negative body image because they hear loved ones innocently criticize themselves and others.

As early as first grade, many girls become concerned with weight and appearance. Some start to restrict food intake and others begin to read food labels. By third grade, 30 percent of these young students have actively dieted. Further, body image not only is a female preoccupation. Preteen boys also experience stress as they compare their bodies to athletes and actors. Children are inundated with messages from the media, their family and their friends that lead many to think that their appearance is unacceptable.

A positive body image is one that is based in reality. The child accepts who he or she is, and generally is happy with how they look and feel. A negative image is an unrealistic perspective and the child believes they do not live up to the expectation of others, including parents and peers. Anyone—no matter their age—who continually maintains negative thoughts about their appearance is at risk for an eating disorder and/or other mental-health issues.

It is, however, part of human nature to have a personal opinion about one’s looks. It also is normal to like some parts of your body and dislike others. But how one feels often is influenced by the company they keep. Family and friends continuously convey comments about appearance from the day one is born. And parents have a bigger influence on their children’s personal perceptions than any other source.

While it may not seem like it, most kids pay attention to mom and dad. If you frequently talk about your weight, your thighs, as well as your demanding workout, your kids also will worry about their weight, their thighs and their exercise habits. If you constantly eat fat-free foods and skip meals to reduce calories, your children will develop these same unhealthy habits. Kids subconsciously mimic adult behaviors.

Fortunately, parents also can play a pivotal role in boosting self-perceptions. Emphasize to your children that there are many different body shapes and not one ideal size. Explain that weight gain, especially during the onset of adolescence, is a normal part of development.

Further, encourage health over weight worries by urging your children to actively play. The gym is great, but spending time outside with the neighborhood kids is better and more fun. Hip-hop dance class, team sports, or walking the dog gets the body moving. It does not matter what kids do, as long as they do something.

Kids receive mixed messages about what is attractive versus what is healthy. Unfortunately, no matter how much you discuss health and fitness, kids are still susceptible to outside influences, especially media messages. Teach your children to become media-savvy by discussing the images they see on the TV, in magazines, and on the Internet. It can be difficult for a maturing child to understand that their favorite Disney starlets and their thin model friends often achieve their glamorous appearance through unhealthy means or Photoshop touch-ups.

Despite a parent’s best efforts, many children, unfortunately, do worry about their body image. If your child is constantly focused on their physical appearance, excessively diets, or continually compares themselves to others, they may need professional support to understand how to live a healthy lifestyle. Sadly, a mother’s words of wisdom may not be enough to sooth a struggling child.

Research shows that active families who enjoy physical exercise raise children who have a better self-esteem than families who do not adopt this philosophy. Helping children develop healthy habits will send them down an emotionally prosperous path. Being fit does not mean being thin—and being thin does not mean being happy.


  • 0

Pack Some Patience

Tags : 

As I write this column, it is a wintery St. Louis day. When it’s this cold, it is difficult to think about summer travel. June is still a few months away, but a sunny weather vacation free of responsibility sounds relaxing and warm.

My kids are in their preteen years. Traveling with older children provides some unique challenges, as everyone has an opinion about where to go and what to do. When a family has little ones, choosing the destination is easy. A nice place with a few kid-friendly activities is all anyone needs. It is the logistical challenges of bringing what one requires versus what one wants that is complicated.

Productive packing with small children in tow is about preemptively planning to ensure that no one has a bad time. A portable high chair may sound unnecessary, but even family-friendly places may not have one available when you need it. A new toy may appear indulgent, but can be an excellent distraction when you need a break. And cough syrup may seem excessive, but you will be glad you brought medicine if your little one has a late-night fever. To successfully travel with toddlers, plan well and pack some patience.

As your young children morph into older kids with their own thoughts, family vacations can become a complex negotiation as generations clash over what to do. To pave the way for a relaxing and rejuvenating holiday, a different type of advance planning is required. A collaborative approach that allows opinionated offspring to have a say in the stay is recommended.

Include your older children at the beginning of the vacation-planning process. Each member of the family should discuss what type of activity he or she might enjoy. With this newly learned information, parents should retreat to the Internet or to a professional travel agent, and generate a variety of options. During a family dinner, discuss each locale and let your eager adolescent guide the way to family fun.

Once the destination has been decided, let the aspiring vacationers plan a day. Encourage your teens to research activity options, follow a budget and create a schedule of events, including transportation and dining. For this to work, however, parents must commit to the plan even if it means doing something outrageously adventurous or wasting away the morning with a late sleep. Teens typically will make good choices, and allowing them to own a piece of the planning ensures minimal complaining and maximum enjoyment.

Turnabout is fair play and parents also should participate in the plan-a-day process, but with an added twist. Choose an afternoon for you and your spouse to spend one-on-one quality alone time with each of your children. This can be as simple as a hike through the hills or as exciting as mountain-biking down a steep trail. The goal is to choose something that can be enjoyed together. Mixing it up generates positive parent/child interaction, promotes family bonding, and creates great dinner conversation as each share stories from their day.

Planning in advance, however, will not guarantee a peaceful getaway unless a family conversation regarding trip rules and expectations takes place before the departure date. Remind your traveling teens that all home rules apply: no smoking, no drinking, no cursing and no hitting your sister. Emphasize the importance of time—what time they need to return in the evening, what time tired teens need to wake in the morning, and what kind of time they must spend with mom and dad. Set some basic ground rules and discuss concerns as they occur to ensure that everyone gets along.

Vacations provide some of life’s most memorable moments. And while you may return to the same destination year after year, each visit will be different as your family matures and grows. Savor the time, leave life’s worries behind and take lots of pictures. Bon voyage!


  • 0

Time to Unplug

Tags : 

I own a lot of things with screens—maybe too many. In addition to my work computer and laptop, I also have a TV at my office, in the bedroom, and in the bathroom as I need to watch the news while brushing my teeth. And, I own an iPhone, as well as multiple iPads. In fact, as I look around the house, it is safe to say that my old iPads never really die, they just get recycled into expensive room clocks and personal gaming devices.
Owning multiple devices is the new norm. My kids, like their friends, have several hand-held accessories, a variety of gaming consoles, a DVR to watch their favorite TV shows and a couple of old laptops. My wife, the most streamlined of us, still owns a smart phone, iPad and laptop. Despite these easily available distractions, the family does a good job managing tech use. We have many outside interests, including sports, performing arts and reading (on a Kindle, of course), but it would be difficult to survive without easy access to our devices.
The influence technology has on our brains, relationships, sleeping patterns and moods is a prevalent topic in mental health research. While there is no definitive answer that tells us exactly how technology impacts our children, professionals know that overuse negatively affects attention, sleep and development. Furthermore, doctors are seeing electronically addicted teens who are suffering from screen withdrawal and are forgoing other fun activities in favor of staying connected.
These same problems also impact adults who have the additional stress of business connectivity issues. With fierce competition in the workplace, many fear their success opportunities will be compromised if they don’t respond during all hours of the day and night. This work theory, however, may actually make one less useful as the brain needs time to recharge in order to operate at maximum efficiency. Additionally, multitasking tech demands with face-to-face interactions leads one to become more impulsive and more likely to take risks. In some ways, technology hurts as much as it helps.
Most adults and children would benefit from learning how to better manage their tech use, and summertime is the perfect time to start a digital diet. Consider planning a vacation with firm tech boundaries that limit electronic use. Don’t, however, make the detox decision without consulting the family and realize that going cold turkey is probably unrealistic. Accept that you will need to make some compromises, especially if teenagers are part of your crew. With a little advance planning, however, it should be easy to get everyone to agree to unplug, especially if you plan something fun or adventurous.
Once home or if you are not traveling, summer is still an excellent time to rethink your digital attitude. How you approach your children about computer use depends on their age. Younger kids are easy to distract, so influence their tech time by offering something different to do. Most kids younger than 8 are happy to engage in a creative endeavor if a parent or sibling will participate. Creating other interests and free time expectations is the best way to manage future overuse.
If your kids are older, parents still can influence without arguing, but some ground rules need to be established. No technology or TV during mealtimes, specific unplugged hours, and power off curfews are responsible requests. Additionally, I encourage families to reinforce that media use is a privilege and not a right–kids should earn their access. Once chores are completed, homework is finished and the piano is practiced, screen time is a great way to decompress. If family expectations are reasonable, kids not only will accept new rules, but may actually appreciate parentally imposed household structure.
OK, we all know that when we plug in, we also tune out. Your new media plan, however, does not require you to sledgehammer the computer; rather, it means embracing organization and time management. Your kids may accuse you of being out of touch with technological times, but they will do so while looking you in the eye and not while they texting their friends.


  • 0

Public Violence

Tags : 

With the recent amount of tragic events, children are being exposed to public violence. Dr. Hyken was on Fox2Now discussing how to talk to your children about these events.

Ladue News gathered a group of professional counselors who shared their advice for families undergoing trauma and tragedy in their lives.

Dr. Russell Hyken, psychotherapist/education diagnostician, Educational & Psychotherapy Services

  • First, ask your son or daughter what they have heard about the event. If the children do have those gory details, then change the direction of conversation and focus on the good people supporting the teachers and parents.
  • Reassure children that their school is safe and tell them of the school’s protocols. “That’s what children want to hear—that they will be safe.”
  • When young children do voice their concerns and worries, acknowledge their feelings. Then, re-direct their energy and do something fun.
  • It is important to build time into your week to spend time with your children. “It doesn’t have to be serious conversations; but by having that time, children will feel comfortable talking with you in the future when serious or troubling issues occur in their lives.”

Rekha Ramanuja, child and adolescent psychologist, Clayton Behavioral and Epworth’s Residential Treatment Program

  • Talk to friends, family, or a specialist. If you are a grieving parent, then you need an outlet quickly.
  • If the child is actually a witness or survivor to a traumatic event, then there is no simple way to deal with everything your child is experiencing. “But start by letting your children know that you love them and are going to support them.”
  • If the child is afraid, “Be patient and let the child know this feeling will not be the same forever. Just let them know you’re available to talk.”
  • It is OK to say, “I don’t know the answer, but we’ll find it together.”
  • Children and teenagers display signs of stress differently. Some talk a lot, ask numerous questions, have stomachaches or headaches, or become preoccupied with the issue.
  • Older children may display changes in personality or in their habits. Parents can start begin a conversation by saying, “I noticed that you’re not yourself. Is it the shooting (or other traumatic event)? It’s OK, because it has affected me, too.”
  • If you are asking too many questions, then back off; let your child sort out their thoughts and come to you.

  • 0

What Parents Need to Know About Instagram

Tags : 

Do you know what your kids are sharing online? And what sites they are using to do their sharing? It’s a good time to ask. Have you heard about Instagram. If you have not, you will. FaceBook recently paid over 700 Million dollars to purchase this social network (deal approved September 6, 2012) that has over 80 million subscribers.

What exactly is Instagram?

It is like Facebook and Twitter got together and had a baby, Instagram is a free photo-sharing program and social network  service that was launched in October 2010. The service allows users to take a photo and then share it with others Instagram users (followers) in real time. Remember the “Instamatic” cameras of your youth. Instagram makes that concept digital, shoot a picture, and “instantly” share it with a friend.

Why kids like it?

Kids can set up a private network that only their followers can see. So kids feel safer with their “exclusive” network of followers and parents seem to be more accepting of Instagram as a safe online medium. Kids also like to share pictures. Posting photos of the family dog, things around the house or activities with friends are fun to share. Sometimes kids and even adults can’t explain why something is funny or cool, but a picture is worth a 1000 words. A quick snap and short sentence can create instant attention.

And it is this attention that kids enjoy. They wait for others to comment on their photo or post and give their “like” sign of approval. Kids can chat for hours over an Instagram post with others joining the conversation. Fun, fast, and funny-what kid would not want to participate?

What Parents Need to Know

According to Instagram, it is not for children under the age of 13. Instagram has strict   Terms of Use   and Community Guidelines   that make their age requirement clear. That said, many younger kids are using it. I am personally aware that the majority of my son’s fifth grade class is on this photo sharing service. The age of participants is not verified by Instagram, and kids can download Instagram without their parent’s permission.

I am not advocating for kids to be on Instagram, In fact, debating the age appropriateness with children or adults can be difficult, time consuming, and answers will vary. There is, however, an argument to be made for teaching kids how to use social media — to share their experiences and take on the world online — and Instagram has a way of encouraging people to be creative about it. I could see this app sparking an interest in photography, visual art, and graphic design. Also, banning your tech savvy child from Instagram could be a true challenge. There comes an age where it is better to know what your kids are doing than to have your kids hide it.

During your conversation about Instagram with your child, here are some key points to cover.

  • Friends should be people you know—classmates, family members, camp friends. Friends should not be friends of friends of friends.
  • You, as the parent, will set and check the privacy setting on Instagram so only their followers can see their photos. By default,   anyone  can view the photos  uploaded to Instagram. Parents, it is your job to ensure you child does not accidently turn off privacy settings.
  • Parents should follow and monitor their children’s use of all social media on an almost daily basis, but especially Instagram as it is very popular right now.
  • Educate and speak with your kids about what they are posting.
    • Make them aware that others may feel left out if they post an excessive amount of photos with a particular friends.
    • Discuss appropriateness of the jokes and photos they share.
    • Emphasize that kids are to avoid posting and responding to rude comments.
    • They should make you aware whenever they feel upset by a post.
  • Designate time when your kids are allowed to be on Instagram. After homework, before bed, weekend only, etc.
  • Network with the other parents. Check in with them at school functions or social gatherings to make sure they are aware their kids are online and enforcing consistent rules.

  • 0

Five Phrases Parents Should Avoid

Tags : 

Most parents know that good communication is the key to a healthy relationship with their children. What’s equally important to know is what constitutes poor communication — the words and phrases that can undermine self-esteem and trigger power struggles in the family. In a recent segment on KTVI-TV in St. Louis, Dr. Hyken discusses five phrases parents should avoid when speaking to their children.


  • 0

Effective Communication for Boys and Girls

Tags : 

A recent study published by the University of Missouri revealed new insights into the teen brain and the way boys and girls communicate about problems they are facing. When parenting teens, adults need to understand the different ways boys and girls perceive and talk about challenges so that they can provide the best possible support for their sons and daughters.  In this recent clip from KTVI-TV in St. Louis, Dr. Hyken discusses the communication preferences of boys and girls, and how parents (and spouses) can use this information to make all family voices heard.


  • 0

Staying Home Alone

Tags : 

Age, temperament and ability to reason are all factors which must be taken into consideration before introducing new levels of freedom while parenting teens and pre-teens. But if your children are ready, staying home alone can be an exciting step on the journey toward independence. To make it a positive experience, parents need to be able to identify when their child is ready and what they can do to make staying home alone safe and enjoyable. In this recent segment on KTVI-TV in St. Louis, Dr. Hyken offers tips to help parents know how and when to leave kids safely home alone.


  • 1

How to Parent Rebellious Adolescents

Tags : 

Questioning authority can be a positive indicator of growth and development in teens, but it can also be a challenge for parents. Fortunately, there are strategies parents can use in dealing with this period of burgeoning independence. In this recent segment from KTVI-TV in St. Louis, Dr. Hyken shares tips for effectively managing the parent-child relationship in the midst of those trying teenage years.