Many adults believe that bullies only exist at school. Unfortunately this is not always the situation. Many kids return home to face humiliation, verbal aggression, and behaviorally manipulative parents. This blog is not about them. This blog is about the well intentioned parent who “bullies” their child—by accident.
The intent of these parents is not to erode self-esteem, but their behavior is a subtle form of bullying that has long lasting effects on their child “victim”. This can take many forms but it is often the parent that is trying to positively impact their offspring but utilizing an ineffective technique. Consider the parent that comes up with a “cute” pet name of endearment that focuses on a child’s sensitive area–calling the overweight child “chunky monkey” the small child “short cake”, or the ADHD child “wiggles”.
Other parents think they are motivating their child by continually identifying the successes of a sibling. This is what I like to call the “favorite child” syndrome. Mom says things such as “if only you could do math as well as you brother” or dad comments “practice more so you can make the varsity team like your sister.” When a child hears these comments with regularity, he may begin to feel inferior and may develop feelings of hidden resentment.
Identifying that one of your offspring is more sensitive than the others will also breed sibling conflict. This parent over focuses and worries too much about upsetting one child more than the other. Schedules are created around the needy brother and parents go out of their way to ensure his emotional stability. Other children, as a result, begin to feel inferior.
Overprotective parents are also guilty of bully behaviors. While it is acceptable to safeguard your child and tell him “don’t do _________”, make sure not to overuse this approach. Continual use of the “don’t” parenting style is an adults attempt to dictate every move their child makes. In essence , it is parenting “puppetry” creating dependence, fear, and resentment.
At any given time, every parent has done or will do some of these misguided strategies and that is okay. The parent that employs these techniques regularly is bullying their child. To avoid these parenting pitfalls reflect on how you handle your kids’ bothersome behaviors.
Provide and discuss solutions rather than dictate behavior. Instead of telling you child to eat less, teach him how to cook healthy foods and make better dietary choices. Also consider that most parents act inappropriately due to frustration—learn to reflect on bothersome behaviors and practice patience. Let your teen make the occasional mistake, but then discuss alternative approaches. Some of life’s lessons are best learned the hard way for both parents and kids.
Tags: Bullying
i hate my parents because they do that to me all the time. it hurts and they dont even care. i can really relate to this article. thanks
My Ex bullies my four children all the time. He name calls me, and them without relent. He is unaware of the long term effects. Last night I over heard my young teen age daughter tell him that “that isn’t nice’ to him on the phone and my other son cut his phone call short. It does catch up with them.
Hang in there.
There are a lot of parents out there with negative intentions in bullying their child. I believe they do so because their parents are also bullies and they think it’s ok to bully their child. It’s an endless cycle of abuse. A lot of kids don’t know how to cope with the abuse from school and home, so they end up suicidal or making the wrong decision. I think that children who are bullied by their parents should spend more time away from home, and engage in hobbies that are both educational and entertaining. This will keep them focus and away from their parent’s abuse.
Don’t try to stand up for the parents because a lot of times parents do regret having children and they will do their best to get rid of them legally. Parents can also do their best to destroy their child’s self-esteem just so they can heighten their own. It’s a cruel world out there, and there is no such thing a good intentions when the results are malevolent and heart breaking
What about parents who bully their children in obvious ways? I feel that my dad bullies me a lot. He starts conversations knowing that this will instigate conflict-and never at opportune moments (like when I’m working on a huge assignment for school or when I’ve just gotten off an 8 hour shift at work).
This escalates to him screaming and me crying while he calls me names and makes me feel that my response to his bullying (crying) is invalid. Primma-donna, cry baby, and bitch are frequently spewed at me. He then proceeds to tell me that he’s taking this-and-that away, which then comes down to him telling me that he can take my whole future away (financially).
This might sound like what a lot of kids go through (though I hope it’s just me), but he also uses his larger physical and vocal stature to frequently intimidate me. I feel that there is a difference between trying to effectively parent and just wanting to fight with someone.
I never had to deal with a bully in school, but I feel like I’m taking high school home with me whenever I have to deal with my dad. How can I deal with such a negative situation? He refuses to believe that his behavior is wrong. It hurts me even more to know that he thinks this is appropriate.
My ex husband is a serial bully. He has used the courts and custody to bully me and my 7 year old daughter for the last 4 years. He uses techniques of name calling, abuse and has managed to get his way in custody through bullying. His style is relentless spending weeks and hours to take custody of my daughter. She has been bullied to the point that she has serious concerns and is trying to learn young how to protect herself. I don’t know how I can help her now that my ex has more custody and will bully her more.